Adolescence is a complex stage, full of emotional, psychological, and physical changes. Many parents experience a painful paradox: their teens reject them or treat them poorly — but at the same time seek them for comfort or support. This seemingly contradictory behavior has several roots.

1. Building Independence vs. Need for Attachment

• What’s happening: Teens are shaping their identity, differentiating themselves from their parents to affirm who they are. This need for independence often shows up as rejection, criticism, or even verbal mistreatment.

• At the same time: They still crave emotional connection with their parents — that “safe base” remains essential, even if they don’t admit it.

Example: They might yell that you “don’t get it”… and then seek you out at night because they can’t sleep.

2. Emotional Dysregulation

• What’s happening: The teenage brain is still developing — especially the parts that manage emotions (like the prefrontal cortex).

• Consequence: They react impulsively, intensely, or hurtfully to strong feelings like frustration, fear, or sadness.

Example: They might explode after a bad day at school — not because of you, but because with you, they feel safe enough to “let it out.

3. Secure Attachment = Safe Place to Vent

• What’s happening: Sometimes, mistreatment towards a parent isn’t hatred — it’s trust, poorly managed.

• Paradox: They might treat the ones they love most the worst, because deep down, they trust you won’t leave.

Important: This doesn’t mean you should tolerate disrespect — but it’s important to understand that it’s not always rooted in contempt.

4. Lack of Communication and Emotional Skills

• What’s happening: Many teens simply haven’t yet learned how to express needs or frustrations respectfully.

• Consequence: What could be a cry for attention or affection comes out as aggression or withdrawal.

Conclusion

Your teen’s behavior doesn’t mean they truly reject you — it means they’re caught between wanting independence and still needing connection. Their mistreatment shouldn’t be normalized, but it should be understood as a sign that they need guidance, emotional support, and clear limits.

What you can do?

• Stay calm during emotional outbursts. Don’t take it personally.

• Set firm but loving boundaries: “I won’t accept being spoken to that way, but I’m here when you want to talk respectfully.”

• Create safe, positive spaces for connection — without judgment or interrogation.

• Seek support if needed, through professionals or parenting guidance groups.

You’re not alone in this journey!

Connection + Boundaries = Strengthened Relationship